Mars, Venus and a Touch of Grey

Sometimes, men are from Mars and frequently, women are from Venus.  They most definitely speak different languages.  Men are pretty direct.  They use few words, don’t think too much before they speak, and can be easily understood.  Thinking is black or white, very little gray.  The gray is earned and it’s usually on their temples, from trying to figure out the three million shades of gray that women use in their thought processes and speech patterns.

Take the break up for instance.  Men with some maturity will actually do it face to face, still using few words, but get the point across rather well.  Men with little maturity simply stop calling.  Women on the other hand will tell you face to face, although most men wind up wishing we did just stop calling.  Men, trying to decipher the words women use to tell them how they feel, are most akin to a blind man who has lost his seeing eye dog on the streets of Manhattan.  Hopelessly lost in a sea of words instead of people, and hidden meanings instead of a Braille keypad on an ATM.

Women’s words are subterfuge when breaking up with a man.  Confusion abounds in men faced with this for one good reason.  We don’t mean what we are saying, we don’t know what we are saying, and unless you have the pocket version of the “How to speak Venusian”, there is no way to avoid the landmines.

Here are a few key phrases of Venusian that you can keep tucked away in your mental library for that rainy day.

It’s not you, it’s me.  This means that she liked your company and you made her laugh now and again.  You just aren’t the guy for her.  She is looking for someone who doesn’t treat her well.  She wants a bad boy and someone from whom she is seeking attention, not someone who gives it willingly.  Your kindness and understanding are taken as a weakness to her, plain vanilla.  She is looking for Tabasco on fire.

I’m just not ready for a relationship.  The missing ending to that sentence is, with you.  You may be right for her in years to come, but now, she is more interested in someone who ignites what she perceives as her dimmed passion.  Chances are you were the rebound and while you are looking for serious, sorry Charlie, she is looking for anything but.  Don’t worry pal, she will come to regret it in years to come.

I wouldn't want to ruin a great friendship.  You are the guy pal, the one she can bounce things off of, try out a gentle flirt with, get tons of flattery from, but in the end, she really does think of you as a friend with an extra appendage.   Just like a great black dress, perfect summer sandals, and a great bag that you just can’t quite afford, you are an accessory a gal just can’t live without.

Give me your number and I will call/text you.  Classic turnabout is fair play.  She really doesn't want you to have her number, for fear you will use it and she doesn’t want to have to turn you down over the phone multiple times.  You are the let me sleep on it and see if I am interested tomorrow guy.  In other words, if nothing better comes along, she will text you on Thursday to see if you want to take her out Friday night.  Write it off as just another experience and move on brother.

I think of you like a brother.  Speaking of brothers, that is how this gal thinks of you, nothing more, and nothing less.  While you can spill your guts about every topic to her and she willingly gives out advice and understanding, she won’t.  She will talk about almost everything, everything but the intimate couple stuff that a guy needs to get to know in the getting to know you stage.  She will complain about the newest failed relationship she had, but not all the details.  No way is this gal giving you the ammunition to think of her in that way.

You deserve better.  This is chick speak for “I'm a total perfectionist and someday that may come back to bite me, but I want to keep looking”.  This is her parting nice shot.  In her mind she is letting you down gently.  She cares for you and would never want to hurt you, but in her heart, you just aren’t who she sees herself settling down with.   One day she will come down to earth, as she will learn, there are no perfect men hiding up in the clouds.

I think we need some space.  Run.  Run quickly in the other direction.  Right down to the free clinic and get a test.  This Mustang Sally already has another bronco in her stable and if she hasn’t taken him on a test ride yet, she is this close.  She asks you for space, give her free range cowboy.  You deserve a better filly.

So men, take a tip from an old Venusian, don’t try and read between the lines, learn the lines.  In time, say 30 or 40 years, you will be glad you did.

From If to I Do

A comment made about being a single woman in your 40’s and still not finding the right one, has me curious.   Here was an example of someone looking, hopeful while optimistic, but never the less wondering when, where, how, and not why, but if.  If.  Two little letters are such a big word.  If can seem insurmountable while trying to find the answer.

Do we pin our hopes on the idea of what we think something should be, or are we expecting too much?  From a young age, our modeling behavior is based on unrealistic expectations.  Snow White, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, even Barbie had Ken.  What relationship could ever live up to the images burned in our little brains?  Adding to all that, we had our real world examples.

How did your parents interact with each other?  How about aunts, uncles, and grandparents?  If you are in your 40’s, even though you may not have come from today’s version of a dysfunctional family, doesn’t everyone have a branch in their family tree that doesn’t fork?  While your dinner table may have been the Brady Bunch, maybe your holiday table was the Addams Family.

Is it any wonder that a woman in her 40’s is still single?  I think it’s more a mystery how a woman in her 40’s isn’t.  We want the Barbie Dream House, the prince on white steed, to be a princess on our wedding day, have a live in maid who cooks for our 6 kids, the husband who works all day and comes home to dote on us, and still look like we woke from a 20 year sleep in a glass case more perfect than before we bit the apple.

If we don’t find someone who fits our ideals, is it them, or ultimately, is it us?

So what are the choices?  Settle for something rather than nothing?  Move from relationship to relationship, each time trying to mold a prospective partner into what our ideal is, and being disappointed when you can’t make it happen?  Date Mr. Right Now, while waiting for Mr. Right to step in front of us while waiting for our double latte?

There have been millions made and lost by people trying to tell us all we deserve to get what we want, how to find what we want, or how to change our ideals into more realistic goals.  Are we choosing the wrong man over and over, setting ourselves up for disappointment?

Very few actually find that love at first sight kind of love, another one of those stories we all bought into at a fragile, young age.  Do we place too high expectations on every meeting and encounter, looking for signs that aren’t there?  Are we all window shopping for husbands, instead of enjoying meeting someone new and just getting to know them?

If we all knew what we wanted, and if we all found what we wanted, and if all of it made us happy, at the end of the day, is it our fairy tale?